These last two weeks have been a doozy. And honestly, I feel guilty even saying that because a couple of the reasons involve heartbreak that I’m watching friends and family walk through exponentially more so than myself. I don’t say that to be mean, it’s just the truth.
* We saw close friends of ours lose their 2 year old son out of nowhere. The most tragic, heartbreaking thing I’ve EVER witnessed. Ever. Two of the most innocently happy, silly friends I’ve ever known, robbed of that precious inner joy. My constant prayer is that the Creator who put that inside of them is preserving it for a later time when joy returns.
* A close family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Someone who is very special and close to each member of our family. She’s too young to have a terminal illness and she’s worked SO hard to serve her family and those around her. She is SO intentionally healthy, and the most precious little person I’ve ever met!!
* My uncle passed away, who is my dad’s brother and the first sibling of his to pass (there are 5 of them). My dad and his siblings (same for my mom’s side) have been a staple in my life. They were at all the holidays, all the gatherings...those manly, bellowing laughs filling up all the rooms. I never saw the day where that would come to an end. As a child, your family (especially the men, in my case) are invincible.
* My best friend lost her perfectly healthy mom over the summer...out of nowhere. How does that happen? At 30 years old, with small kids...I can testify...we still need our moms. Like, 5 years old again, scared of the dark NEED our moms.
* My 8 year old is struggling with her grades in school on a level that I simply do not relate to...or KNOW how to fix and I’m being pressed to test her for ADHD/medicate her for focus...something I swore up and down I would never do! And now, I don’t know...
Last Friday I sat with coffee in hand pondering the events that were taking place. And I want to be clear when I say this...I have not ever and still am not questioning God or his plan. But for the first time in my life, that unanswered “why” was getting to me. Bad. How do I love someone who’s grieving in a way that I can’t relate to? Everything I want to say seems wrong or unimportant. Why did my dad lose his little brother? And does that mean my dad could be next? Wasn’t I just 7 years old running in the leaves at my grandmother’s house? I want to go back there. Why does my best friend have to figure out the holiday season like this? And although it’s more trivial than death and illness, whyyyyy can’t my 8 year old focus? Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because i truly DON’T KNOW why these things take place. And I WANT to know.
I’m a very structured person when it comes to learning things. I like lists, questions, and resources. Having unanswered questions doesn’t really fly in my brain, and thanks to google I literally NEVER have to go with unanswered questions. I always get that peace one way or another. Even the Bible has given me many answers I was searching for...like legit, factual...”here’s what you should do” Holy Spirit answers.
This is different though. I don’t understand all of the sadness and loss and sickness around me. The “WHY!?!” has been growing louder for quite sometime and it’s deafening. I have to do something in order to alleviate this pressure from NOT KNOWING. I need a shift in my focus.
Maybe you’re struggling through some of these things yourself...or maybe you’re on the sidelines kind of like me...and you’re confused. You’re angry. You want to know WHY and there is no answer that will suffice. Your heart is numb from pain and anger or sadness and you just want an answer. Well, my friend, I’m afraid in these situations....we aren’t allowed to know. We are living in one scene of a big, giant movie and we can only watch our scene. We can’t see the scenes going on all over the world that our God gets a front row seat to....and because of that, we don’t get to know.
So here’s what I do know.
I do know love.
I do know prayer.
I do know Jesus.
And they are all SO much better and SO much sweeter than knowing it all.
I have tasted God’s goodness, He has met me in my lowest places. And I want to encourage you in this: these 3 things ARE REAL, they exist and they are FOR YOU TOO!
when the dark questions arise...
LOVE fiercly, PRAY when confusion and pain takes over and lean on HIS peace instead of your own works, and let JESUS in through worship, His word, and the people He placed in your life. These are the only answers that makes sense in a fallen world, where we simply cannot know all that He is doing, planning, and preparing us for.
I hope and pray that this encourages you somehow, someway.
I love you guys and I'm praying for all of you today,