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Look What You Made Me Do...

Yes, I went there. Haha...but this isn’t a review about the song...not really. One interview I watched mentioned that LWYMMD, in a nutshell, meant “Look, your antics and ‘bullying’ caused me to creatively put together this awesome video and break tons of records and reach new heights, so to speak” That really resonated with me.

Have you ever been the last to know something? Literally, like the last possible person to find out something about your life? I have, and it sucks. (Sucked?) I’m unsure of what tense to use right there. I didn’t find out after a friend, a sibling, a co-worker, or even an old college classmate. At the time, our youtube channel had around 400,000 subscribers, we had just released a viral video announcing my 3rd pregnancy that already had millions of views, and on top of all that ABC news was in our home filming an interview for Nightline. Days later I learned some truth....along with basically the whole world.

Being last to know felt a little like this....

Or this...

Even this....

The range of emotions I felt were just, i don’t even know, probably boarder line certifiably crazy. I was sad, angry, heartbroken, and falling apart one second and the next I was on top of the world, thinking everyone who knew this thing before me and actually made the conscious choice to keep it from me were, well....

But here’s the thing...I’m on the other side of it all now. I’ve jumped over the largest, most massive hurdle in the situation and now I actually feel thankful for it. This secret, dark thing that my friends and family didn’t tell me actually turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. Which is where I find it easy to relate to Taylor’s new video (yes, we are on a first name basis in my mind.) When something pulls you so far down that the only place to go is up...and you actually crawl out of that hole--what more could you ask for? It’s like, look at all the pain you caused me...the intense work I had to put in to feel normal again....and I here I am on the other side happier than I was before! Pretty cool.

If you are personally keeping an important secret from someone, like, a life altering secret---why? Are you worried about making someone sad? Afraid of breaking up 2 people? Scared that whoever you “out” won’t like or trust you anymore? Afraid of losing friends? Let me just try and free you of those worries....The person will be sad because of the secret, not you. Two people will break up because of the secret, not you. The person you “out” can’t be trusted anyway so why does it matter if they trust you? A true friend won’t bolt on you when you’re trying to help them. I really could go on and on.

The old saying “Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone”....we heard it on the playground at school, in the car when the backseat people couldn’t hear the conversation the front seat people were having and vice versa, at our lockers when our bff was reading a note and then laughing but not telling you what they were reading or who it was from....this old phrase was probably created by a parent who had been hurt and lied to in an attempt to instill in their young child that secrets are no good. If only we took this little old saying and applied it to our lives like we do other things such as “get 8 hours of sleep” or “brush your teeth everyday”....I think the human race would be a lot better off.

To me, timing is everything. At the time, when I learned that my man...a man I don’t even know or recognize anymore, had kept a very hurtful secret from me...I was like top-notch mad. I threw a brush and hit him in the head with only about 3 feet between us, called him just about every name on the planet, and threatened to leave him with our kids in tow. I’ve never admitted that to anyone so casually...I don’t even know how I feel about saying it to you right now. But I feel like if i don’t, you might be sitting there wondering why you went so crazy after hearing a dark secret for the first time. And I want you to know that you’re not crazy.

“This too shall pass.” I have hated that phrase for a long, long time...I don’t know why, it just makes my skin crawl when I hear it. However, to the person reading this who has revealed a secret to a friend, spouse, or family member....I can safely say that it’s true (at least in our case). Your spouse or friend might be next level crazy at you right now, but give it some time, grace, and LOTS of prayer.

The Bible says in Luke “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. ” I feel like that just freed all of us from keeping secrets/lies in order to save someone else’s feelings...it’s going to happen whether we say it or not. Well...lies, darkness, sin...look what you made me do...by being the last to know, I have found restoration, healing, and true joy that had been lacking for years in my relationship, something I wouldn’t trade 1, 2, or even 5 hard years for.

#lookwhatyoumademedo #lwymmd #mystory #restoration #redemption