This week is my anniversary...if you can even call it that...of a pretty hefty conversation I had with my husband, Sam, 2 years ago. I’m not gonna lie...in that very heated conversation, I thought my marriage and 12+ year relationship was o v e r. (For those of you who don’t know me, but you’re like me and will skip ahead JUST to see if the happy couple ends up happy....i’ll just tell you now, we do.)
Ok so, during that time I cut off my long brown hair and dyed it blonde.
I know, criiiiisis. Anyway, I spent the course of this 2 year period trying to get my hair to be cute again and I just couldn’t. (much like my heart) Now, back to the happy couple.......there are A LOT of details that I am choosing to keep to myself just because I want to, but after about a year of living with certain frustrations and anger towards this epic conversation we had, I decided to set some goals for myself. I didn’t tell a soul. I just woke up every day, prayed that my thoughts would be void of “the conversation” and go about my day. That was working out ok, I was happy to have a goal (I’m very goal oriented, I have to logically be able to look ahead and see it so I can begin to reach for it.) So, I realized that without hard, intentional work I wasn’t ever going to reach my goal. I could continue being stubborn and saying “I trust in the Lord to work this out, give me peace etc...” or I could start actively working to see what the Lord was doing in my life and our marriage. So here was my plan: Anytime I go somewhere that holds a negative memory/bad feeling I’m going to pray before I go and the entire time I’m in the general vicinity of this place if ANY little sweet thing happens, I’m going to praise the Lord and count this tainted memory as redeemed. This began to happen really quickly...I mean the Lord heard my cries and He was faithful and just so sweet in the ways/timing of each redeeming moment I’ve experienced. The first experience was a little....forced. I decided to turn on the radio. A worship song that I knew and liked was on so I figured that whatever line was said as I drove past this place, I was going to pray that over my life or take those words as something the Lord meant for me to hear. You won’t believe the line....of ALL the song lyrics of all time...it was “You are my bride”. I don’t know about you, but for someone who was struggling in the marriage department...also struggling to believe that my husband loved me...this was EVERYTHING. Now, I love Sam..so much,
but I’ve known for a long time that somewhere along the way he became 1st and God became 2nd...and I just didn’t really know how it happened or how to change it. This song lyric was exactly what I needed. I am His bride...that is my calling and my first priority before worrying about being someone’s wife. Does that make sense? It was like, all the worrying I had done about Sam's feelings toward me suddenly didn’t matter because I realized that God did love me with an everlasting love. That’s only one of the experiences....there are more and they only get better and better!(i’ll share more of those later). Fast forward to this last weekend (leading up to the eclipse)
...I went to get my hair done by this incredibly talented girl I go to church with. She’s seriously a hair magician y'all...anyway, she accidentally turned my hair this yellowy-orange color and we were both confused as to how that happened and ready to fix it as soon as possible.
I had to wait a couple days though, and I’m so glad I did because this one little mess up in my hair symbolizes one of the most profound moments I’ve ever had in my life. This weekend my heart was transformed. I think it may have already been, or it was like centimeters away from the transformation...but either way...the hair matters. Remember I told you that I had cut it all off and dyed it blonde in the beginning of this 2 year ordeal? My hair, like my heart had hit a major low point. It wasn’t anywhere close to being itself...and quite frankly...I didn’t like it, at all, at any of it’s stages leading up to the orange accident. The night of said orange accident (also the night before my hubby left for an all guys trip to chase the eclipse) I witnessed him having a conversation with a buddy of his at like 1 am. He could have EASILY had this conversation the next day. Remember I told you that a year ago I decided to start seeing every little joy as a gift from the Lord? Well, this is one of those times. I was feeling a little nervous about this trip (sorry guys if you’re reading this, but...5 handsome, funny, crazy guys out in this world can only mean trouble right? WRONG.)
Either way, my heart was a little nervous and then I witness this beautiful, Godly conversation my husband is having with his buddy and I just fell completely in love with who Sam is today. It’s no coincidence that the Lord ordained this conversation at 1 am instead of 10 am the next morning when we would have been apart. I didn’t realize it, but I needed to see my husband in that light to reach my next goal: to truly have peace in my heart FROM the Lord...not from Sam reassuring me every half hour (which he never did throughout this trip)...and God gave it to me without even asking! Had I not made the goal a year earlier to keep my eyes open for every little good thing, I would have missed it completely. The next day I went to get my hair fixed and when I left that salon I was a brunette again and feeling more like myself than I had in years. YEARS.
And ironically, so was my heart. It is no accident that ALL of this took place during the eclipse (had there been no eclipse there would have been no guys’ trip and no opportunity for me to see if my heart had truly healed toward my husband spending time with his brothers, but also with the hair and the changes that took place in my heart, I mean that’s a total eclipse in and of itself), and also no accident that it took place over the exact 3 day period that our horrible conversation took place on 2 years prior. God is just so good you guys. I don’t know how many people get to say this in their lifetime....but I have had a total heart transformation over the last 2 years.
I am forever grateful for this last weekend and to be able to say with 100% confidence that my heart belongs to God first and foremost...He has captivated me in a way that no man has or ever will be able to. That’s the ultimate goal I had made for myself a year ago, so here I am celebrating my 2 year “anniversary” with this knowledge and truly happier with who I am than I’ve probably ever been.